Poor Life Choices
by Nyte Lite
Summary: "Look, you're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making." AU-ish crack. Based off of Texts From Last Night
1. Divine Messages From Heaven

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** Hey everybody, I'm back! After what was pretty much a year-long hiatus, I'm sorry that this is the only thing I'm uploading, it's just been a rough year and I haven't had much inspiration. And no, I have absolutely not plausible explanation for this. It's pretty much AU, with the Goodwin brothers and Professor Fudo being about college age and basically just getting into silly situations. It's going to be a series of drabbles, with no true plot. If you want to get philosophical, you could say that drunk!Rudger and responsible!Rex is really just a metaphor for the whole Dark Signer arc. So, enjoy this silly crack!

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><p>"<em>You started texting yourself and saying they were 'divine messages from heaven', then you threw up on the piano."<em>

The first thing Rudger was aware of when he woke up was that he had one hell of a hangover. The second was that Rex was glaring at him like he was willing him to spontaneously combust.

He groaned and rolled over. "What did I do last night to earn that look?"

Rex's glare intensified. "Do you want a list in chronological or alphabetical order?" he retorted.

Rudger reached out to open the drawer in his bedside table and felt around for the bottle of Aspirin he kept in there. "Just tell me the worst of it. We were at Hakase's place, right?"

"Yes, and I'm sure his parents regret ever letting you set foot in their house, much less offering you alcohol."

Rudger sat up, grimaced at the pounding in his head, and dry-swallowed two tablets. "Just tell me what I did that was so bad." Absently, he noted that he was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

Rex's glare was so intense that Rudger vaguely wondered why he wasn't dead yet. "After we had been there for about an hour, you started texting yourself and saying they were 'divine messages from heaven', then you threw up on the piano."

Rudger cringed. "Shit. Was it ruined?"

"I don't think so, but his parents were pretty upset about it."

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Uh, could you tell Hakase I'm sorry…?"

Rex crossed his arms. "You can tell him yourself. After you've showered and dressed, I'm driving you over there so that you can make a formal apology to him and his parents." With that, he turned and left the room, signifying that there would be no more argument.

Rudger groaned. "I'm gonna need a lot more Aspirin."


	2. Internationally Epic

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** Personally, I find it a bit sad that I can only find the inspiration to write from a website such as Texts From Last Night. Ah well, I'll take what I can get, I guess. Anyway, I'll be calling Professor Fudo Hakase in this, which I forgot to mention in the first chapter. Before anyone wants to jump on me for this, let me just say that he has no truly canon name, and I like the way that Hakase sounds. Please don't take these drabbles seriously - I'm not. XD They're mostly practice and for fun.

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><p>"<em>He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning."<em>

Hakase was rudely awoken around two A.M. by his cell phone ringing. Muttering a curse under his breath, he grabbed it and squinted at the caller I.D. – god, it was like looking into the Sun. Recognizing Rex's number, he flipped the phone open and pressed it haphazardly to the side of his head.

"I hope this is a life-or-death situation and you're not just calling me because you're bored and you can't sleep."

"When have I ever done that?" Rex demanded indignantly. "And it might turn into a life-or-death situation. I just got a call from Rudger."

Hakase sighed; he could already tell that this was going to end badly. "Wasn't he at a party with some friends?"

Rex sighed too. "Yes. He called me on the way home to tell me that he'd met a girl on the bus and decided to go to Spain with her."

There was a pause as Hakase digested this information.

"Had he ever met her before in his life?"

"No."

He couldn't help but laugh at that. "Oh wow. These blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic."

"He has work in the morning."

This only made Hakase laugh harder. After he had taken a few minutes to calm down, he said, "Okay. Give me a little time to get dressed, and I'll meet you at your apartment so we can hunt him down. And I hope you realize that only a true friend would do something like this for you."

Another sigh. "I know. You're a good friend."

"I just hope you'll remember that whenever I do something stupid and get in trouble."

Rex scoffed. "Please. You never get in trouble."

"Hey, there's a first time for everything." Hakase reminded him.

"Just don't try to leave the country with strangers, and I'm sure we'll be fine." Rex chuckled a bit.

Hakase laughed again. "Fine." He hung up and then hurriedly went to dress. They definitely needed to catch Rudger before he actually made it to the airport.


	3. Multifunctional Table

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** Apparently, these stories take place in some sort of AU happyverse where the Zero Reverse never took place. Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but these drabbles are in no particular order. For example, this particular one takes place when the Goodwins are in their forties or fifties (depending on how old you think they are in canon), and the next one probably will be back with the college-age timeline.

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><p>"<em>Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table."<em>

Yusei had just settled down on the couch in Rex's living room and was flipping through channels looking for a movie to watch when the crashing and yelling started. He sighed and turned the volume up. _**Uncle Rudger must have gone to another office party…**_

Yusei, being an only child and something of an introvert, often spent the night with one of the Goodwin brothers when his parents had to work late. Usually, there were no mishaps, but occasionally Rudger would relapse into what Yusei's father called "his post-grad poor judgment phase". This would invariably spark Rex's wrath and chaos would ensue until Rudger was either ejected from the house or rendered unconscious.

Yusei had never complained about it, mainly because he'd never been put in danger because of it, and it was really more comical than anything. If worse came to worst, he could always call his parents for damage control. And hey, entertainment was entertainment, no matter what form it took.

The ruckus was becoming louder, which meant that the quarreling brothers were getting closer. Yusei gave up on the TV and turned to watch as Rudger dashed out of the hallway and into the living room, closely pursued by his brother.

Yusei blinked in momentary confusion (but not surprise; he knew the Goodwins far too well to be surprised by anything they did anymore) when he saw that Rex was carrying what appeared to be a small coffee table and occasionally taking swings at Rudger with it.

"-_**said**_ I was sorry! I'll pay for a new window tomorrow!" Rudger was actually quite coherent in his inebriated state, but the fact that he had tried to come in through the window in the first place gave it away.

"Get out of my house!" Rex snapped. "You are too old to be doing things like this, and I am too old to have to deal with the consequences of your actions!"

The pair made a few laps around the living room, and then ran upstairs. When Rudger grabbed a floor lamp and tried to launch a counterattack, Yusei sighed and reached for the phone.

"Hello, Professor Fudo speaking." Hakase's cheerful voice greeted him.

"Dad, it's me."

Hakase's cheer immediately turned to concern. "Yusei, why are you calling? Is everything okay?"

Yusei winced as another crash sounded from upstairs. "Uncle Rex is chasing Uncle Rudger around the house with a table."

"A whole table?" Yusei rolled his eyes but smiled as his father's typical response.

"Well, it's a pretty small table. Should I do anything?"

"…No. Just stay out of the way. Make yourself a snack or something while they're running around. Is there anything else you need?"

Yusei watched as Rex dragged Rudger back down the stairs by his collar. "Nope. Have a good night, Dad. Love you, bye."

"I love you too, son. Goodnight."

Yusei hung up and went to open the front door for Rex, who promptly shoved Rudger out onto the porch. "Go to your own house and stop bothering me! You're a poor example for Yusei!" Rex slammed the door and locked it.

"He broke a window, huh?" Yusei said. "He's done worse than that before. Why were you chasing him with a table?"

"It was the first thing I grabbed when he came through the window." Rex muttered. "The worst part about all of this is that I'll feel bad about it tomorrow and apologize to him."

Yusei laughed.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Also, Yusei is totally used to them acting like this. I find it funny.


	4. Barely Raise Yourself

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** And here's another one! Not much to say about this one, really. I'm trying to get myself to write something other than this crack, but I'm having a hard time getting inspired. I'm up for requests, if anyone's interested. ^^

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><p>"<em>You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself… return it to its mom now."<em>

"Rudger." _**Uh-oh.**_

Rudger tried not to flinch as he turned to face his brother. Rex had just returned from some kind of weekend trip with a few classmates and was sleep deprived, grouchy, and in absolutely no mood to deal with his older brother's nonsense. Unfortunately for both of them, said nonsense tended to occur when nobody was equipped to deal with it.

"Yeah?" He said, trying to sound casual.

Rex narrowed his eyes. "There is a deer in the bathroom."

A pause. "You know, I _**told**_ the landlord that we have a serious pest problem." Hey, it wasn't like a serious answer would get him out of trouble anyway.

"Rudger," Rex gritted out, "What. Did. You. _**Do?**_"

Rudger scratched the back of his head. "Well, Makoto invited a couple people over for some drinks, then we decided to head out for a few more, and then I think we ended up at a petting zoo…"

Rex went from pissed to skeptical to aghast in the span of a few seconds. It would have been pretty funny to watch, actually, if it hadn't meant Rudger's certain doom and the suspension of all drinking privileges for a month.

"Oh my god. You didn't – I don't even – _**arg!**_" Rex looked on the verge of tearing his hair out. "You _**stole**_ a baby deer? What the hell is wrong with you? You can't just take animals from the zoo!"

"It was just a petting zoo." Rudger said defensively.

"It doesn't matter what kind of zoo it is! What were you planning to do with a deer anyway, keep it as a pet?"

"Maybe…"

The fact that his irresponsible brother was still alive was a testament to Rex's self-control. "No. No, no, no, no, no. You are not raising a deer. You can barely raise yourself. Return it. _**Now.**_"

"Hey," Rudger shot back, "I practically raised you, didn't I? Personally, I think I did a pretty good job."

Rex was caught off guard for a second, then recovered and smacked him in the back of the head. "Flattery gets you nothing. Take it back now, or I'll call the Animal Protection Agency on you."

"Not again! Come on, Rex, those guys have my fingerprints!"

"Well, you better hurry up and return that deer, then, hadn't you?" Rex replied smugly.

"Dammit." Rudger swore and ran for the bathroom.

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> I have no idea why the Animal Protection Agency would have Rudger's fingerprints. I don't think they even take fingerprints. Ideas? XD


	5. Must Be Illegal

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** I'm not really happy with this one, it didn't turn out the way I hoped. A good friend of mine just announced that she's moving away, and I most likely won't be able to get in touch with her for a while, and I think the fact that I was upset over that kind of leaked into the story. The beginning is funny and the end is funny. The middle part isn't funny. It makes me sad.

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><p>"<em>It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children."<em>

When Rudger stumbled into their apartment late in the afternoon, dripping wet, Rex barely glanced up from the novel he was reading.

"Oh my god. I am so fucked. Hakase's going to kill me. And then I'm going to hell."

"I told you not to go to Yusei's birthday party." Rex replied, calmly turning the page.

Rudger ran a hand through his hair. "You don't understand. It must be illegal for me to be that drunk in front of that many children. The only reason that I'm still alive is because Yusei thought it was funny. I'm going to hell because of this sole event."

Rex rolled his eyes. "Frankly, I'd think that if you weren't going to hell already, this wouldn't push you over the edge."

The older man scowled. "Thanks, Rex. You really know how to comfort a guy. By the way, you might want to get some towels in here; Yukari used t he garden hose to sober me up." With that, he continued on to his room.

Rex sighed, set down his book, and went to mop up his brother's mess.

"By the way," he said when Rudger emerged in dry clothes, "I'm moving out."

"Oka- wait, what!" The blond man sputtered. "Why?"

Rex continued as if he hadn't heard him. "I found a place downtown, so I can be closer to work. I've already packed up most of my things."

"Rex!" Rudger grabbed the towel out of his hand, forcing him to look up. "If you're just doing this because you're angry with me-"

"I'm not angry." Rex interrupted quietly. "I've been depending on you my entire life, and I've decided to stop. So I'm moving out." He took the towel back and finished sopping up the rest of the water.

"But-" Rudger couldn't have said what he felt at that moment. He opened his mouth to argue, and Rex hunched his shoulders, refusing to meet his gaze.

Rudger gritted his teeth, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Then who's going to protect me when Hakase comes around looking for vengeance?" He asked, forcing a grin.

The tension left Rex's shoulders and he looked up with a faint smile. "I'm sure you'll figure something out." He stood and went to drop t he wet towel in the kitchen sink, pausing as he passed his brother.

"Rudger."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks you."

He went to his own room, probably to finish packing, and Rudger sighed, dropping heavily onto the couch. Try as he might, he couldn't completely wrap his mind around the thought of Rex leaving.

There came a knock at the front door. "I've got it," he said to no one in particular. He heaved himself up and opened the door, only to come face-to-face with one extremely furious Hakase Fudo.

_**Well shit. I forgot all about him.**_

"Run for your life Rudger." Hakase growled.

"Uh, look Hakase," Rudger began, "now's not really a good time- "

"I said _**RUN!**_"

Rudger ran.


	6. I Just Want You To Be Healthy

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** Waking up on the kitchen floor is not fun at all, no sir. I'm so tireeeeed.

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><p>"<em>You were force-feeding me gummy vitamins and screaming, 'I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY!'. I have never been so terrified in my life."<em>

There was nothing worse, Rudger decided, than waking up hungover and having to peel your face off a linoleum floor. He was sitting on the kitchen floor, contemplating the unfairness of the world and wondering how he was going to stand up without vomiting when someone landed a hard kick to his lower back, sending him back onto his face.

He pushed himself back up and turned, ready to bitch to the best of his ability at whoever had kicked him, then abruptly stopped.

Okay, so maybe there was something worse.

Sitting on the floor behind him was Rex, his right arm inexplicably handcuffed to the door of their fridge. Predictably, he looked pissed.

"Oh." Rudger said. "Hey."

"_**Hey!**_" Rex exploded. "That's all you have to say for yourself! Hay is for horses, cows, and people who can't afford mattresses! Say something intelligent for once!"

"Uh, good morning?" Rudger tried again. This only served to make Rex attempt another kick. "So, uh, why are you handcuffed to the fridge?"

"Why do you think?" Rex snapped back. "You came in with these and an armload of boxes from the pharmacy, then you chased me in here and handcuffed me!"

"Ah. Sorry." Rudger scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "So I handcuffed you to the fridge and then passed out on the floor?"

"No." Rex deadpanned.

"Uh-oh. What happened next?"

"You were force-feeding me gummy vitamins and screaming 'I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY!'. It was like something from a B-budget horror movie."

Rudger bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to laugh. "That bad?"

"I have never been so terrified in my life. I seriously thought I was going to overdose on those things."

"Well…" Rudger racked his brain for anything that might get him out of trouble, trying to ignore the throbbing in his head. "Drunk me cares about your health?"

He only received a glare in return.

"At least you had access to food?"

"Just hurry up and find the key to these so I can throttle you."


	7. Grand Theft Hydrangeas

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note: **I think that out of all the chapters I've done for this so far, this one is my favorite. Also, Rudger is a drama queen. Troo fax. Oh, and for anyone who didn't catch it before, Yukari is what I decided to name Yusei's mom. I think it's pretty. :3

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><p>"<em>We can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union building because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements done professionally' to my list of maybe-felonies."<em>

Rex wasn't often surprised by the things his older brother did. Confused, yes. Aggravated, more often than not. But not usually surprised.

This fact was the reason for the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach when Rudger sashayed, for lack of a better word, into his office carrying a large pot of pinkish-white flowers.

"Hello, dear brother!" The blond crowed dramatically. "I come bearing lovely decorations for your best friend's wedding! Shower me with affection."

"I thought I told you not to drink before five." Rex deadpanned. "I'm working."

"Yeah? I'm helping with a wedding. And I haven't been drinking."

Rex went back to the end-of-quarter report he had been typing. "Why are you bringing decorations for Hakase's wedding to _**me**_? What do you expect me to do with it?"

Rudger shrugged. "Just hold onto it for a little while, I guess? Hakase and Yukari are house-hunting and I was afraid he might try to make a generator or something out of it if I left it at the lab. Speaking of which, I still don't understand why you decided to transfer to a boring old office job instead of having fun making things explode with Hakase and me." He attempted a pout and failed spectacularly.

Rex shot him a sidelong glance. "Don't do that, you look like a demented manchild. And I've already told you, I don't think it's healthy for us to live _**and**_ work together. We'll get sick of each other."

Translation: Rex had taken the initiative to give them some time away from each other, lest he find himself someday throttling his beloved brother.

"Why the sudden interest in wedding decorations, anyway?" He continued. "You haven't bothered with it much before now."

"Oh, you know," Rudger said innocently, instantly arousing suspicion, "I just thought I should pitch in a little bit, since he's a good friend, so I got this… shrub-thingy."

Rex raised an eyebrow. "You bought it without knowing what it is?"

Rudger shifted his weight and suddenly found the wall to Rex's left very interesting. "Ah… not exactly…"

Rex closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't want to know what you did. I just want to know why you always feel the need to involve me in your ridiculous misadventures."

Rudger didn't bother to provide him with an answer, instead asking brightly, "Hey, weren't you at one point keeping a list of felonies I may or may not have committed?"

The younger let out an irritated sigh. "Unless you committed murder or armed robbery to get those, I don't think that it qualifies as a felony."

"Nah, I wasn't armed. I just grabbed the pot and ran. That credit union guy was asking for it anyway, with his piss-poor attitude."

This elicited an aggravated groan. "Why do you come to me after you do these things? It would probably reduce my stress levels by half if you just wouldn't tell me about your escapades."

"Hey, I'm helping Hakase and Yukari to save money on decorations!" Rudger defended. "You should be commending my ingenuity."

"The only thing I'm commending is your ability not to be arrested for the idiotic things you do. The fact that I haven't had to post bail yet is all that's in your favor right now." Rex muttered.

"Anyway!" Rudger plowed right over his brother's grumbling, "I guess you can add 'Grand Theft Hibiscus' to that list of yours."

"I think they're hydrangeas." Rex said, simply for the sake of argument.

"You think so? I was never really into botany. So, I'll come back by and pick these up later. Thanks, Rex!" Rudger set the pot down in a corner, then sashayed out just as dramatically as he had come.

Rex heaved a sigh and turned his attention back to the report. Hopefully nobody from the credit union would be stopping by anytime soon.


	8. Control Me

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** This one is for AkixYuseiGRL. She suggested Rudger getting drunk in a mall, so hopefully this is good enough! :)

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><p>"<em>Also, I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a Wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me."<em>

"Will you stop getting distracted?" Rex snapped as Hakase stopped to examine a movie display. "This is a crisis!"

"Relax," Hakase said, picking up a DVD and turning it over to read the back. "I'm sure Rudger can take care of himself."

"It's not _**him**_ I'm worried about." Rex growled in exasperation, "It's the thousands of dollars' worth of collateral damage he could potentially cause that worries me!"

Hakase glanced at him doubtfully. "I think you're overreacting."

"No, you just don't understand the magnitude of the situation. We are in a mall. This is the single absolute worst place that I could lose track of Rudger while he has alcohol on his person. Something is going to die today, and it's probably going to be my sanity."

"Wait, isn't it illegal to bring alcohol on these premises anyway?"

Rex smacked himself in the forehead. "I'm going to kill him."

Meanwhile, a certain very intoxicated blond man had wandered into a furniture store and was currently debating which bed looked like it would be the most fun to jump on. Rudger probably could have gotten away with it, if not for the fact that the person he was debating with was actually a colorful floor lamp.

"Um, sir?" A timid-looking salesgirl tapped him on the shoulder. "Can I help you?"

"Eh?" Rudger turned to her. "Oh, hi. Have you seen my brother?"

The girl blinked in confusion. "Ah, I don't believe so…" She eyed him nervously. "Are you all right…?"

Rudger was looking at her intensely. "He's tall and he yells at me a lot. He has a friend whose hair kind of looks like a sea urchin."

By this time, the salesgirl had started carefully backing away. "Er, I'll go look for him. Just stay here!" With that, she darted away to call security.

Rudger watched her go, vaguely wondered why she was running, then turned back to the lamp. "Anyway Claude, as I was saying…"

Rex huffed in irritation as Hakase stopped for what seemed like the hundredth time to look at merchandise. "You can shop after we've found Rudger! Come on!"

Anything else he might have said was cut off by the mob of shouting security guards running past them.

"What the-" Rex turned and felt his eye twitch ever so slightly.

"You'll never take me alive!" Rudger yelled, sprinting towards the food court with the floor lamp that he had dubbed "Claude".

"Found him." Hakase said helpfully.

Rex shot him a sidelong glare. "Shut up."

As security seemingly cornered Rudger, he turned and threw the lamp down the escalator, narrowly missing a group of teenagers. "Save yourself, Claude!" He dodged around the guards and dashed into a women's clothing store.

Hakase looked over at Rex, who had, surprisingly, turned and started browsing through the horror movies. "Aren't you going to chase him?"

Rex snorted with contempt. "Do I look like I want to go to jail?"

Hakase took a seat and watched as Rudger ran back out of the clothing store. For some reason, he now had several feet of toilet paper wrapped around his head. He ran into a toy store and emerged a moment later with two handfuls of glowsticks. He pointed them threateningly at the security guards pursuing him. "You're all gonna die!"

"Isn't there something you can do to keep him under control?" Hakase asked Rex.

"If there was, don't you think I'd do it?" Rex retorted. "Which of these looks better to you?" He held out two equally gory-looking DVDs for him to examine.

Hakase shuddered. "Neither. I don't like movies with psycho killers. Oh, they've caught him." He noted as security started to drag Rudger away. "Do you think he'll remember any of this tomorrow?"

Rex replace the movies on the shelf. "No, but I'm sure that I'll have a nice front-page article to remind him with."

Hakase sighed. "I feel like I probably should be used to the two of you acting like this. Oh look, he's escaped again."

Rex cursed under his breath. "Looks like I might be going to jail after all." He said, and ran after his brother.

**Omake: 25 years later**

"Uncle Rex," Yusei asked, "why does this lamp have the name 'Claude' written on the shade?"

Rex looked at the lamp in question and rolled his eyes. "Oh, that. It's a long story."

The teen shrugged. "I'm going to be here all night."

Rex sighed. "All right, sit down."

Yusei grinned. "Oh, it's one of _**these**_ stories."

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Fun fact - Claude is the same lamp that Rudger grabbed to defend himself in chapter 3. XD


	9. Duct Tape And Laser Vision

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note: **Hakase seems like the kind of person who is just perky all the time, to the point of annoying others and not being aware of it.

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><p>"<em>He fell asleep, and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed."<em>

Hakase was a morning person. This was fortunate for him because it meant he could be awake and alert on very short notice. Such as when his two best friends called him at ungodly hours because of whatever nonsense they had gotten themselves involved in at that moment.

Take now, for example. It was about six A.M., and Hakase had just been warming up a cup of tea (He rarely, if ever, needed the aid of caffeine to be perky in the mornings. It annoyed Rex to no end.) when the phone rang. Recognizing the Goodwin brothers' home phone number, he took a breath and mentally prepared himself for that special brand of insanity that only they could unleash upon his life.

"Hello?"

"Hakase, it's Rudger. I need help."

This was going to be an interesting day, Hakase could already tell. "What's wrong?"

"Well, I had some friends over last night while Rex was studying… Look, can you just come over? It's kind of hard to explain if you're not here." Hakase could vaguely hear Rex talking angrily in the background. Well, he wasn't dead, at least.

"I'm _**trying!**_" Rudger snapped in response to whatever Rex had said. "Just let me -" He was cut off by more yelling. "All right. _**All right!**_ Hakase, are you still there?"

"Uh, yes…"

"Can you please come over and un-tape Rex? I'm too hungover for motor skills, and he'll kill me with laser vision if I get too close."

"I- what?" Hakase unsuccessfully tried to make sense of what he'd just heard. "Laser vision?"

"I'm serious. Lasers will come out his eyes if I get close to him. That's how mad he is." More shouting from Rex in the background.

"You're still drunk, aren't you? What on earth is going on over there?" Hakase demanded.

"He fell asleep, and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed."

There were several beats of silence. "I… I see." Hakase said, struggling to keep his composure. "I'll be there in about fifteen minutes."

"Just come in when you get here." Rudger told him. "I'll be hiding."

After hanging up, Hakase dissolved into laughter. It was a good thing that he was a morning person. Who knew what was happen to the Goodwins otherwise.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Rex doesn't actually have laser vision. Rudger is just an irrational drunk.


	10. Twenty Seconds

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** I have been informed that I now have fans, so I am not allowed to stop writing these. XD Don't worry, I don't intend to. In this one, Rudger isn't the one who actually makes a dumb choice, but he doesn't make it any better either.

* * *

><p>"<em>I have twenty seconds to get my life together and look presentable."<em>

Whatever Rudger had been expecting when he came home on a Saturday afternoon, it wasn't four teenage boys in his living room with ice packs on their faces.

Well, Yusei and two of his friends – Kiryu and that orange-haired one whose name Rudger could never remember – had ice packs. Jack was just sitting on the couch looking surly like always.

Rudger glanced from one to another with raised eyebrows. When no explanation was forthcoming, he hazarded a guess. "Did you guys get in a fight or something?"

Yusei, who was only holding ice to his left cheek, grimaced. "Uh, not exactly."

"Oh, so you got beaten up."

"We did not!" Kiryu protested. He was holding an ice pack over the entire right side of his face; the orange-haired one had his face completely covered by a bag of ice. Jack just watched them grumpily.

Rudger sighed and walked over to Yusei. "It's no big deal, it happens to everyone." He reached for the ice Yusei was hlding to his face. "Here, let me see – "

Yusei jerked away. "No! It's fine, really!"

Rudger persisted. "Look, it's nothing to be ashamed of –"

The teen held him back with one arm, clinging to the ice pack with the other hand. "We weren't in a fight, Uncle Rudger!"

Kiryu grabbed the arm Rudger wasn't using to try and seize the ice, and attempted to wrestle him away from Yusei. "Look man, it's not what you thi – _**ow!**_"

In the confusion, Rudger had accidentally elbowed the blue-haired boy in the face, causing him to drop the ice. Underneath, instead of bruises or lacerations, he was met with a bright yellow zigzag that ran from Kiryu's hairline to his jaw.

Yusei cringed. "We're doomed."

There was a moment of silence. "Tattoos." Rudger said flatly. "What the hell. You tattooed your faces."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!" Yusei argued.

Rudger gripped his hair with both hands. "I know, but nobody ever accepts that excuse! Why the hell would you get your faces tattooed? That's not even sneaky!"

"It's a symbol of our friendship!" Kiryu declared. "To show that we're all a part of Team Satisfaction!"

"Team Whatsit?"

Kiryu waved him off. "Not the point. It was going to be our symbol, but Jack pussied out in the end." He shot a glare at said person and was pointedly ignored.

"Jack Atlas doesn't need a tattoo to show his greatness!"

Rudger crossed his arms. "I don't think I was ever as weird as you guys when I was a teenager."

They were prevented from arguing further by the front door opening and Hakase Fudo's voice drifting in. "Rudger? Are you home?"

All five of them froze. Rudger's survival instince, honed by years and years of running from his brother, kicked in. "Hide!"

"Where?" Yusei hissed back.

Rudger's eyes darted around the room. "Closet!" He began ushering the teens into it.

"There's not enough room!" Rudger shoved the orange-haired one – Crow, that was his name! – in and shut the door, effectively cutting off further protest, just as Hakase walked into the room.

"There you are!" He looked slightly worried. "Is Yusei here? He's not answering his phone."

Before Rudger could answer, the closet door swung open again, hitting him in the face and knocking him down. The four teens tumbled out.

"We _**said**_ there's no room!" Jack snapped.

"Yusei!" Hakase gasped, "What happened to your face!"

All five fugitives shared a sinking feeling that this wouldn't end well at all.


	11. Four AM Conversation

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** This is the shortest chapter yet. I couldn't find a good way to stretch it out, but I think it stands well on its own. Conversations held when you're nearly asleep have a very surreal quality.

* * *

><p>"<em>Apparently, you need a permit for a flamethrower."<em>

Rex was sprawled on the couch at four A.M., midway between all-night studying and falling asleep on his textbook, when Rudger stormed into their apartment and stomped over to plop down next to him. Somewhere in Rex's mind, a voice was saying that this could be a very bad sign, but he couldn't wake up enough to care.

He craned his neck so he could look at Rudger without sitting up. "Whassamatter with you?" His voice was slightly slurred and muffled by the couch cusions.

Rudger crossed his arms, looking for all the world like a sulking child. "People piss me off."

"Oh. Okay." It crossed Rex's mind that he should probably press Rudger for more information, but he was just so tired...

He was beginning to drift off for good when Rudger's next comment nudged him back towards wakefulness.

"Apparently, you need a permit for a flamethrower."

"Sounds smart," Rex mumbled without fully contemplating the possible implications of that statement.

Rudger stood and stretched. "I'm going to bed. This night sucks."

"'Kay" Rex was just about gone, regardless of what his brother decided to do. In fact, it wasn't until Rudger had disappeared into his own room that his previous statement registered.

_**Permit... flamethrower... what?**_

Rex's eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright. "Rudger! What did you _**do?**_"


	12. Halloween Special: I Cannot Die

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note: **Happy Halloween FFn! I made this chapter longer to make up for how short the last one was. Hope you all enjoy it!

* * *

><p>"<em>Well, after last night, it's official... I cannot die... Time to use this power for good instead of handle contests."<em>

Hakase peeked out from behind his fingers. "Is it over yet?"

"Almost." Rex replied. "Now get back on your side of the couch and quit breathing in my ear. It's weird."

Hakase would have complied, but at that very moment, a woman in the movie they were watching was messily decaptiated. He instead let out a very un-manly squeak and buried his face in Rex's shoulder.

"Whose idea was it to bring this movie?" He complained, voice slightly muffled. "You guys know I don't like horror movies."

Rex shrugged him off. "I was more concerned with getting _**him**_ out of the apartment. There's no way I'm leaving him unsupervised with that much alcohol."

"He" was of course Rudger, who was currently sprawled on a recliner and sipping vodka out of a half-gallon bottle, staring vacantly at the wall.

Hakase cringed as another person onscreen was disembowled. "Where did he even get that, and why are you letting him drink it?" Rex's goal was usually to keep Rudger as far from alcohol as possible.

"I have no idea where he got it. It's for something called the Handle Challenge, and completeing it apparently wins you a lot of respect in certain circles of idiots."

"So you bring him to my house while my parents are out of town and force me to watch scary movies?" Hakase was understandably disgruntled. "And in a thunderstorm, no less."

Rex shot him a sidelong glance. "What does the storm have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, I'm just including it to underline the point that this night couldn't get much worse."

And then, for no apparent reason (but probably because the universe likes to laugh at college students who tempt fate) there was a massive crack of lightning just outside, and the power went out.

Hakase would never tell, but he had to swallow a laugh when Rex jumped out of surprise and, more than likely, fright. His humor quickly disappeared, however, when he realized that his house was now pitch-black and he still had every gory detail of that movie etched into his brain.

Rex cursed under his breath. "You were saying?"

Hakase huffed. "Shut up." He mad a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a whimper. "And the main disconnect is in the basement..." He did _**not**_ want to go into the basement. People who went into the basement died. Why did Rex have to be such a horror buff?

He couldn't see, but he was pretty sure that Rex rolled his eyes. "I'll go see if I can fix it." He stood and started towards where he knew the basement door was, feeling his way along the wall.

Much as Hakase didn't want to venture into the basement, he _**definitely**_ didn't want to be left alone in the dark with only a few throw pillows and a very drunk Rudger for protection. "Wait -!"

Rex turned back. "What?"

"...There's flashlights in the kitchen." Hakase said lamely. Curse his male pride!

"Okay." Rex continued out of the room.

Hakase sighed. "Well, it looks like it's just you and m– " He turned, only to be met with the dim outline of an empty recliner and no sign of Rudger.

Why did this always happen to him?

Uneasily, he stood and made his way over to one of the large windows in his living room. The occasional flashes of lightning provided some visibility, and if all else failed, he could always jump out of it if some crazed killer came after him. A broken ankle was better than being dead, right?

A few minutes passed, and it seemed like he would finally get his imagination under control.

Then a hand shot out of the dark, and a menacing voice behind him declared, "I'll eat your brain!"

Hakase screamed like a little girl. He did not, however, jump out the window. Instead, he grabbed his attacker's wrist with his left hand and reached back to grab their shoulder with his right. He heaved forward with all his strength, flipping his assailant over his shoulder and hurling them through the window.

He stood there a minute, panting and feeling rather victorious. Who said self-defense classes didn't pay off? Then, as he peered out the shattered window, his sense of triumph was replaced with a sense of _**Oh crap.**_

Because laying in the flower bed two stories below was Rudger.

Hakase stared blankly at him. The thought _**"Well, I'm dead,"**_ flitted through his mind. Then he snapped out of it and began fumbling in his pocket for his phone. "Rex!"

"What?" Rex sounded irritated. Hakase guessed he was having trouble finding the main breaker, but that wasn't important right now.

"I just threw your brother out a window!"

Silence on Rex's end of the line.

"Rex!"

"...I'm really hoping that I misheard what you just said."

"I threw Rudger out a window! Well, through it actually. He's okay, though. Or alive, at least... Yeah, he's moving."

No response.

Hakase gripped the phone desperately. "He said he would eat my brain! Who does that!"

"Rudger, after he's had half a gallon of vodka." Rex said dryly, then sighed in aggravation. "What am I going to do with you two?"

"How should I know! It's your fault, anyway!" Hakase snapped. "I was jumpy because of that stupid movie! Your fault!" He snapped the phone shut and sent anther glance out the window at Rudger.

Well, maybe that would teach Rex not to bring horror movies over anymore.


	13. Momentum's Power And Other Nonsense

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note: **This one was inspired by an AIM conversation with the lovely MistressMinako.~ Go give her your love right now. Nao. Also, glowsticks are magical. That is all.

* * *

><p>"<em>I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship."<em>

"Hakase's been avoiding me." Rudger complained to Rex over coffee one brisk autumn afternoon.

Rex merely glanced up from the reports he had been skimming over (he just couldn't seem to get away from work lately) and deadpanned, "That probably has something to do with the fact that the last time he saw you, you tried to cram a glowstick down his throat."

Rudger's brow furrowed. "I don't remember that."

Rex snorted derisively. "I'm sure you don't. You'd drank nearly two full bottles of wine by that point."

"Oh. That makes sense." Rudger took a sip of coffee. "…Why did I have a glowstick, again?"

"How should I know?" Rex set the reports down, knowing that he wasn't about to get any work done. "You tried to eat an entire pack of them. We ended up with glowstick innards all over the carpet."

"I was wondering how that got there." Rudger said, far too nonchalantly. "Did I give any kind of explanation for that?" Rudger was always interested in hearing about his drunken exploits. It was a pity he could never remember them.

Rex rolled his eyes. "You said something about absorbing the power of Momentum and how it would give you immortality. Something absurd like that. I really didn't want to know, but Hakase did."

"…And then I shoved a glowstick down his throat."

"He was trying to open the packages with his teeth. I imagine you thought he was trying to steal Momentum's power, or something equally ridiculous."

"Well he didn't have to take it so personally," Rudger said defensively. "I was drunk!"

Rex fixed him with a steely gaze. "He wouldn't have taken it personally, if you didn't try to kill him almost every time you were drunk."

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration." Rudger pouted slightly.

"You locked him in the deep freeze at work."

"Well-"

"And you set him on fire at your birthday party."

"That was an accident!"

"And when we were on that business trip, you threw him off the hotel balcony."

"Oh come on. He landed in the pool!"

"Face it," Rex said, "Drunk you is trying to kill Hakase."

Rudger sulked for a minute, taking a long drink. "…Do you think this is going to put a damper on our friendship?"

Rex scoffed, going back to his reports. "I don't know, why don't you ask the man you tried to murder with a glowstick?"

The blond man groaned; Hakase probably wasn't going to forgive him so easily this time. "…So do you think the glowsticks actually gave me Momentum's power?"

"Of course not. Don't be ridiculous."

"Dammit. Hakase's going to kill me for trying to kill him."

"I have absolutely no sympathy."


	14. Curse You, Typhoon Season

**Title: **Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look. You're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the decisions you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** So in my headcanon, Rudger had a small crush on Yusei's mom before Yusei's parents got together. Misadventures ensue.

* * *

><p>"<em>He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark."<em>

Rex was somewhat on edge. He hadn't heard from Rudger all day, which usually meant that his brother was getting into some kind of insane trouble, and it was raining outside. In fact, it had been raining all week, and as Rex wasn't going to venture out in the downpour unless absolutely necessary, he was starting to get a bit of cabin fever.

He'd already finished the novel he had been reading, there was nothing on TV, and his mind kept straying to wonder about what kind of destruction Rudger could be causing with nobody around to supervise him. Curse you, typhoon season.

(Un)Fortunately, he didn't have to wonder for long – the phone rang, jarring him out of his thoughts before he could agitate himself too much.

"Hello?"

"Rex, it's Yukari."

"Oh, hello." This was unusual; if Yukari needed to get in touch with them, she usually called Hakase. "If you're calling for Hakase, he isn't here..."

"No, I was just calling to ask if you were missing something important. Or rather, some_**one**_."

Rex pinched the bridge of his nose. "...Rudger's at your house, isn't he." It wasn't really a question. Rudger (or at least, Rudger's drunk self) had developed a small crush on Yukari, and Rex had gotten to the point where he wished that Hakase would just ask her out already so his brother would stop drunkenly going after her.

"He's rowing a canoe up my front lawn and shouting something about being an explorer."

"A canoe?" Well, actually, it was pretty likely that Yukari's lawn was underwater by now. Curse you, typhoon season.

"...Now he's fallen out of it. He's trying to swim on my lawn, and I think he's drowning... Oh my god, he's actually drowning! Just get here soon please!" There was a click as Yukari quickly hung up, presumably to go rescue Rudger from drowning in her front yard.

Rex sat for a moment and contemplated just how ridiculous that sounded, then sighed and went to down some Aspirin and find an umbrella. Curse you, typhoon season. Curse you.


	15. What Would Kill You First

**Title:** Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look, you're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the choices you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** Happy holidays everybody! This one was suggested by Hestic, who also gave me the quote. I hope you like it! :)

* * *

><p>"<em>I don't know what would kill you first, a poisoned liver or an enraged mother."<em>

"...And Yusei's bedtime is nine-thirty so no sweets or anything after eight." Hakase finished.

"Got it." Rudger nodded and vaguely wondered how he'd gotten saddled with a babysitting job. He didn't really mind; Yusei was generally cooperative and easy to entertain, Hakase and Yukari had Christmas shopping to do, and Rex was working late anyway. He just didn't remember agreeing to it.

"Uncle Rudger, Uncle Rudger, look at my costume for the play!" Speaking of Yusei, he was running around the house in a sparkly gold-and-white angel costume, apparently for some school play.

"You know, he looks kind of girly in that." Rudger muttered to Hakase, who elbowed him in the ribs.

"I know, don't say anything. Yukari's already chewed me out for mentioning it." He glanced at his watch. "Gotta go, Yukari's waiting for me. Just help yourself to anything in the fridge, and don't burn the house down. Yusei, be good for Rudger, okay?"

"Okay!" Yusei agreed brightly, still skipping around in his costume.

As soon as Hakase was out the door, Yusei pounced on Rudger's leg. "Uncle Rudger, can I have a snack? And you have to help me decorate the tree!"

Rudger planted his hands on his hips and looked down at him. "Hey, I thought I was supposed to be in charge here."

Yusei hugged his leg tighter. "Pleeeeaaase?"

Rudger made a show of sighing. "All right, you can have a snack and we can decorate the tree."

"Yay!" Yusei released him and ran to the kitchen, and Rudger followed, grinning.

Yusei immediately decided that he wanted cookies. In addition to those, Rudger also found a half-full bottle of wine in the fridge. He picked it up, contemplating. Hakase did say to help himself...

"Uncle Rudger!" Yusei called from the living room. "We have to decorate the tree now!" Rudger shrugged and poured himself a glass.

One or two couldn't hurt.

* * *

><p>"Rudger. Rudger, wake up. <strong><em>Now.<em>**" The feeling of someone not-so-gently kicking him in the ribs brought him around, and Rudger blinked up at his very angry brother. That wasn't a good sign. Looking around, he realized that he was laying in the hallway, and he was, for some reason, wrapped in several yards of tinsel.

"...Hi, Rex." He offered.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't let Yukari murder you." Rex snapped.

"It's nice to see you too, how was your day?" Rudger muttered. Rex just glared. "Why does Yukari want to murder me?"

Rex closed his eyes as though he was praying for patience. Actually, he probably was. "Rudger. **_You tied Yusei to the Christmas tree._**"

Actually, he did vaguely remember that. "Oh, I... uh. Thought he was the tree topper..."

Yusei's voice drifted in from the living room. "That was fun! Can Uncle Rudger help decorate the tree every year?"

"It was the costume." Rudger insisted.

"You know what, I'm just going to let Yukari kill you and deal with the consequences later."


	16. Christmas Special: Grudges

**Title:** Poor Life Choices

**Summary:** "Look, you're my brother, and I love you more than anyone else on this earth, but I do not support the choices you are making."

**Warnings:** Mentions of alcohol use and sex, language, AU-ish

**Author's Note:** And here's the Christmas special! Two updates in one day, you people are lucky. Or not, depending on if you actually like this fic, I guess. Happy holidays!

* * *

><p>"<em>If he's dead, I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys, and his tooth in my purse."<em>

Rex dreaded the winter holidays. He didn't have anything against the season itself, or even the overwhelming consumerism that characterized it.

He hated all the easy access to alcohol.

When he walked into his kitchen one morning to find Rudger there, mixing some kind of drink, he was understandably wary.

"What are you doing?"

Rudger turned and greeted him brightly. "Hello, little brother! I'm just planning the best Christmas ever, that's all."

"Well, stop." Rex said flatly. "We all know your track record with this holiday and it isn't going to improve. Yusei and his friends are coming over this evening, and I don't want them caught up in whatever disaster you've caused."

Rudger pouted. "But I have a great idea!"

Rex sighed. "Let's hear it then."

Rudger grinned. "I have three words for you: Flaming eggnog shots."

"Get out of my house."

* * *

><p>Yusei and friends made an interesting sight that evening, having apparently exchanged gifts earlier; Yusei had what appeared to be a Koren dictionary, Jack had a strange-looking white hat with a long feather, Crow had a <em><strong>taser<strong>_ (that would be a problem later, Rex was sure) and Kiryu had... a red leather purse.

"Do I want to know?" Rex asked, fighting a grin.

Kiryu glared. "These guys really suck at Secret Santa, okay?"

"Uncle Rex," Yusei chimed in before an argument could brew, "We ran into Uncle Rudger at the mall earlier."

"Dear god."

Yusei shrugged. "He seemed okay. He and Kiryu got into it, though. Just thought you'd want to know where he is."

Rex sighed. "Thank you, Yusei. As long as he's not-" He was cut off by the phone ringing. "Excuse me."

The four boys looked at each other with raised eyebrows as they heard Rex's end of the conversation. "Hello? Yes, speaking... Yes he is... I see. I'll be there as soon as possible. Thank you for calling, goodbye." Rex hung up, looking very much like he wanted to bang his head against the wall.

"Who was that?" Yusei asked.

Rex rubbed a hand over his face in resignation. "The hospital. Apparently, Rudger tried to do cartwheels down an escalator."

"Is – is he okay?"

"Aw man!" Kiryu interrupted them. "He'd better not be dead. If he's dead, I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys, and his tooth in my purse!"

There was a long moment of silence, then everyone started talking at once. "You _**robbed**_ him?" Yusei demanded at the same time as Crow asked, "His **_tooth_**?"

"Shut up!" Kiryu snapped. "It was payback for elbowing me in the face that time!"

This was met with blank stares.

"I hold grudges, okay!"

"How did you... nevermind." Rex sighed in defeat. "You four stay here and don't destroy anything. I'm going to pick Rudger up from the hospital."

Rex hated the holidays.


End file.
